October 16, 2016.
That’s the day I wrote in my journal about suicide.
I contemplated sharing this. I don’t want anyone to treat me differently because of the demons I face. I don’t want sympathy or for anyone to tippy-toe around my feelings.
I’ve only told two people and those two people are the same friends I share a stage with at trio gigs. The last thing I wanted to do was share it on social media, but alas here I am...compelled to do so.
In October of 2016 I sat facedown on the floor next to the bed with my cheeks drowning in tears holding a gun in my hand. I’m not proud of this moment. It’s scary to think about and brings tears to my eyes and a churn to my stomach just talking about it.
I was in a dark place.
I didn’t know who I was. I had no clear picture of my purpose. I felt inadequate and useless. There wasn’t an incident that put me in that situation. I was just lost. Completely hopeless.
I cried and cried some more and finally decided to pray...a last resort. So, on October 16, 2016 I wrote a prayer in my journal. I had no idea what to say and that was okay. I had an overwhelming feeling and a voice in my head that said, “I’m not finished with you yet”.
Through tears, I put the gun back. I cried some more and then opened the Bible app on my phone. I started a short devotional by Pastor Rick Warren and that led me to read his book “A Purpose Driven Life”.
I know there are plenty of people who don’t believe in God, but He saved me that day and for that I will continue to follow His path for my life no matter how rough the terrain.
The words in our upcoming single, “Timber”, are about a broken relationship. Every time I sing it I picture the broken relationship I had with myself and with God. I picture myself on the floor with the gun in my hand and that’s where I pull all of my painful emotion from.
Unfortunately I’m not the only one to battle the feelings and thoughts of suicide. It’s hard to reach out and talk to anyone. The last thing you want to do is bring worry and fear to someone who loves you, but I urge you not to hold those feelings in. The more you hold on to them the more captive they become. I’m here if you need me.
Singer / Songwriter / Survivor